While compiling information and drafting “part 2” and the ending of my last entry: ‘what happens when the guy you’re seeing just can’t’ I smashed out this little banger because I had a few epiphanies ?
Can I be honest? I was just reading over my last blog post and I feel like a complete dick. I feel like a dick because I wrote about putting so much into liking someone else… And in that I’ve realised, in being vulnerable, I’ve forgotten how secure I need to be within my own person- especially when I’ve decided to wait who knows long for something that may not even happen (but I’m very hopeful ?) – ie a relationship with C.
They say what’s happened to you in your past affects who you are today and how you view things: Fact.
This past few weeks I’ve found my insecurity getting the best of me and a little bit of jealousy seeping through the tight walls I THOUGHT I had built, in being hurt over and over again. My secure sense of self was diminished. And I literally felt myself spiralling in these new whimsical feelings, however not allowing myself to fully be present as I was constantly thinking about the future and worrying about “what I would do if (insert crazy situation here)” and it was only upon talking to a friend who is also male to make me realise… This kind of thinking will always make a male back the fuck off.
I also strongly believe the way we react to what’s in front of us, is by extracting parts of our past and gluing it together for an ‘appropriate’ response- and by ‘parts’ I mean the GOOD and the BAD. For instance, I was in a situation where I was seeing an older guy- let’s call him M. So we started as friends with benefits, we hung out ALL the time like 3 sleepovers a week. And he was never wanting the ‘label’ like ever. Absolutely not. But the vibe was there. Everyone said M was the ‘eternal bachelor’. And One day we woke up and he said ‘nope don’t want this anymore. Let’s be friends though.’ So I got to sit back and watch him go out with other girls, his house was on the way to work, so I’d drive past on my way to work and see different girls’ from the town’s cars out the front. A part of me believes that if I had of gotten the “label” that it wouldn’t have happened. So my reaction to C not wanting the label right now…. Makes me think back to this time with M. It makes my skin crawl… Even the THOUGHT of C sleeping with anyone else just like the times I saw girl’s cars outside of M’s house. Even though c has told me he’s not seeing other people, my reaction to the ‘not having a label’ thing is the same as when I was being shut out by M. I feel like sometimes I’m on edge and I don’t know how to trust- because really, all we have is a benchmark of all the shitty relationshippy encounters we’ve had before OR we see the outside of what our friends have relationship wise. That’s ALL.
It’s hard to learn to trust someone new. It’s even harder to trust someone of the opposite sex when you’re so used to being shit on over and over again (great analogy ha!). I’ve now realised trust goes way beyond keeping secrets. Trust is HARD. And it’s a process.
Now, I’ve never been someone to take things slow- I’m all about instant satisfaction and going like a bull at a gate. But this time, I’m learning patience.
I choose to wait with patience and with trust as I learn it day by day and take things as they come. I really just need to chill the fuck out and just realise that I know enough about C to know that if he didn’t want to talk to/ see me he would NOT. As I said in my last blog, I personally feel that he does what he can with what he’s got within his boundaries. And the truth of the matter is: I like him more than he likes me, simply because he’s not looking for the ‘label’ like I am right now…
But I end this intermission-style blog entry, the same Way I ended the last one; by signing off and saying that I’ll keep waiting around and keep tracking the mini wins for my own brain bank ?. Oh, and just to learn to chill the fuck out and learn to trust a little more. Xo