I had the craziest moment happen today. It was what I’d call a “God Shot”. As most of you know, years ago I used to get paid a lot of money to make videos to do random ‘features of strength’. Whether I was beating men arm wrestling, picking them up and carrying them around, or being dominate and bossing blokes around, it was great money. It was also an incredible eye-opening experience for me, because it was at this point in my life that I started to realize the world was not at ALL what I thought it was. For a full deep-dive into this, visit www.grrrlfilm.com and check out our documentary.

So, one of my friends from recovery from way back in the day reached out and asked if I had a few words of inspiration to try and help her guide her 14 year old Daughter. She was having a hard time navigating the whole “be skinnier” challenge, and wasn’t sure how to best approach it. So speaking of documentaries I of course said, “Right- go to www.grrrlfilm.com and watch this documentary with her. This will give her context as to who I am and what I’m doing. Then I’ll talk to her myself after you have watched it.”

A week went by and I got a message. They had watched the documentary and they loved it. We arranged a time to connect on the phone.

Doing what I love to do  and what I was born to do, I got on the phone with my new 14 year old little Sister. I spoke to her straight from the heart and from the hip for a good 20 minutes. I gave her a plan, a purpose, and connections. Then made a date to meet in Vegas for GL19, and explained how Friday night we were having a special teen session with myself and size Brionii, aka our NextGen leader.

Then, after we hung up the phone it dawned on me that I had actually met her! I said, “O.M.G.!!!! You’re not going to believe this. But I believe I recall meeting you briefly when you were just a tiny baby!”. I said, “well- you watched the documentary. The world is not what you think it is my Friend. And you were actually a part of my journey in discovering this for a second in time!”. Her dad had volunteered to star as one of my “victims” in a commissioned video clip, and needed to bring her over to the house with him. She started crying at one point, so I had to pick her up!

You see- when you are authentic and have “been there/done that” and have a message of truth and real-ness, teens listen. Not just teens, but people in general. Being authentic is freeing.

So there you go… 13 years ago, I was still abusing pain pills, trying to navigate my way through recovery, hating my body, making money in this new world that made absolutely zero sense to me and holding babies. Now, these babies are talking to a leader who has a specific role for them in this revolution we call GRRRL.

See you in Vegas babygrrrl!

CEO on the go.

 

A few weeks ago I was in Hong Kong on business. In a mad rush, I went to initiate an international bank transfer in the amount of $25,000. I stupidly put the transaction reference ID number into the field where the account number was meant to go. With it pouring rain outside, I grabbed my purse and dashed out of my Eco hotel to make another meeting.Later that night, I received an email from the bank. Due to suspicious activity I needed to submit some information in order to unlock my account. This of course was an issue, because I had a tiny window of time to make this transaction happen. Which is par for course when you’re running a global operation on a shoestring budget… EVERYTHING is a tiny window. Timing is everything.

Because I was overseas, I needed to submit paperwork, my passport, and Drivers license. After doing my best to stay calm, I managed to get the front desk to print out some paperwork, take some photo copies, and arranged a call back with the bank an hour prior to my next meeting the next day. Come to find out, my Drivers license had expired 3 days prior, and now they needed a copy of my bank card.

Took another deep breath.

Got another hotel desk to photocopy and fax internationally. Got another call right before my meeting, “the copy needs to be darker”, and my window has practically shut, costing me a couple of thousands of dollars in exchange rates.

Long story short, I managed to barely slide in and get info submitted, stuff unlocked, orders paid for, and all meetings on time whilst keeping composure. There’s nothing more frustrating to me than being in a foreign country with little money, little time, and the inability to communicate.

By time I made it to the airport, I had a MAJOR case of the fuck-its. Blazing through security, I got to the terminal and discovered I had zero food choices. So, I went with the “lets buy every piece of chocolate I can recognise and pronounce” option, and proceeded to eat my body weight in a garden variety of candy bars. Legit,

Malt teasers

Brick of Toblerone

Kitkats

M&M’s… peanut butter filled (yeaaaaaaaaaa I kno datsssssss right!)

Sport Riser, hazelnut

And finally, a variety bag of mini Hershey’s chocolates!

In the 20 minutes I had before boarding my flight, I ate damn near all of it except the variety bag. And the Sport Riser.

About 3 hours into the flight, an hour before landing, I ate the Sport Riser, then had a few more mini Hershey’s. Then it all started to set it. I started to actually process my binging experience, and what caused it. I reflected upon that it’d been almost a year since I’d done something similar. Last October, I went on a binge fest eating nuts in the middle of nearly divorcing.

Historically, I was never a consecutive binge eater. I either would restrict calories, and then purge off of eating the smallest thing. I’ve gone through different phases since high school, which primarily consisted of meth, cough syrup, and narcotics to change the way I felt about my body and damper my appetite. I’ll leave it at that, because the issue with discussing too much detail with eating disorders, is that we give each other ideas. This is why group therapy is tricky in ED recovery.

But, the point of this blog, was I had a bit of a breakthrough moment. For the first time in nearly forever, I didn’t sit with feelings of guilt, followed by “how am I going to work this off tomorrow?”, thoughts. Aka, punishment. I sat there in my 3 row of empty seats laying down, with a book on my lap, and thought about how lucky I was to even have the opportunity to buy all that chocolate in the first place. I thought about how much shit I had made it through that day, and that I stayed clean and sober yet another day. 8+ years ago, I would have crumbled and gone straight into the bar.

I didn’t sit and think thoughts of needing to justify why it was ok, or wasn’t ok. It just was! As I continued to lay on the seats, I decided that I’d keep a handful in the freezer for those non-vegan days where I felt like having something tasty. I also decided that I was going to stop by the homeless man who sleeps outside on a piece of cardboard around the corner of my house, and place a couple by his head while he slept. Instead of looking at that chocolate episode as some kind of tragic event, or justify it- feel guilty about it… I simply thought how grateful I was for everything that I have, and that I was free to make the choice to even buy it all (arguably when you’re in that mode as a binge eater, you don’t have a choice- until you learn tools). I was excited to share my chocolate with my homeless Friend. We’ve never spoken. We don’t speak the same language. But whenever he’s woken up when I was walking home from the gym, we always smile and laugh with each other.

I kind of knew that he’d know that I left it. And although they were bars and not kisses, I’d hope that he knew someone was thinking of him.

If you are experiencing issues with binge eating and need help, I highly recommend attending GL19, June 1-2nd weekend 2019. Debbie Lichter, author of Freedom From Food Addiction . Com and the congruence code, will be holding a mainstage presentation along with 2 breakout workshops. Click the link here to visit the GRRRL:Live page.

CEO on the go.

Welcome to our #deargrrrl project inspired by Dr Carolyn Becker. We’re asking you to write a letter to a younger you. It’s a process to promote self love, self esteem and forgiveness. To share your knowledge, help heal the scars of childhood, and help others that need encouragement right now. PLEASE join us & #deargrrrl 


Dear Kort
Wow. I’m not even sure where to start. I hate to tell you, but you’re about to experience the most challenging years of your life. You grew up with family who were sick from alcoholism. You need to know that they aren’t bad people who need to get good, but sick people who need to get well. Be mindful that you’ll walk straight into their shoes if you don’t watch your behaviours.

Everything that you are about to experience is an opportunity to grow stronger. You’re exactly where you’re meant to be in your journey, of every second that you are experiencing life.

You simply cannot fail – you are merely learning. Know that you are fully responsible for your life. You are not a victim.

You’ll make bad decisions from time to time, but as long as you take responsibility for your part, make amends, and do the next right thing, you can never truly do any wrong. Also, if you have to lie about something, you shouldn’t be doing it in the first place.

You have spent your life hating your body, but I want to tell you that you are a masterpiece. I commend you for continuing to get up every time you felt like dying. While you fumble through these awkward years of your life trying to “figure it all out”, just know that you don’t have to know what your purpose is, ever. It may be big, it may be small. But trust the process.

Know that there is a God, and you aren’t it my dear. Ask for guidance from The Universe, our ego-centric minds will never be able to navigate this world on our own.

Know there are 1000 ways to do something, and the only one that is factually ‘right’ is the one that works for you. Trust your intuition.

Slow down.
Forgive yourself.
Remember that the present moment is all we truly have.
Finally, we operate from either 1 of 2 places: Fear or Love.

Happy New Year to all the grrrlfriends!

As your fearless leader and MFCEO of GRRRL Clothing, I’m pleased to bring you our first blog post! Today we’ll be discussing a topic which will soon be on all of your minds; New Years Resolutions.  As we start to bring in 2016, we felt it was important to have a casual chat about New Years Resolutions, and what that even means.  So often we throw words around, and don’t stop to process what they actually mean.  Or is that just me? <insert lol>

resolution
rɛzəˈluːʃ(ə)n/
noun
  1. 1.
    a firm decision to do or not to do something.
    “she kept her resolution not to see Anne any more”
  2. 2.
    the quality of being determined or resolute.
    “he handled the last British actions of the war with resolution”
    synonyms:determination, purpose, purposefulness, resolve, resoluteness, single-mindedness, strength of will, strength of character, will power,firmness, firmness of purpose, fixity of purpose, intentness, decision,decidedness; More

    So- now that we’ve actually defined the word “resolution” lets break it down, shall we?  Every year we make firm decisions to do, or not do something.  Here’s a few I’ve had over the years:
    *I’m going to drink less
    *I’m going to lose weight
    *I’m going to pay off all my credit card debt
    *I’m going to lose weight
    *I’m going to travel more this year
    *I’m going to lose weight

    You feel me?!  It always seemed like my first and foremost priority, each and every year, was “lose weight”.  Or at the very least, my resolutions had SOMETHING to do with my physical exterior.  Whether it was bringing out my 6 pack abs, or creating a bigger butt, I would rarely focus on a resolution that was something to do with the inside.

    It wasn’t until I was in my late 20’s, that I started to realise how messed up and unimportant my resolutions were.  Being someone who has struggled with body image my entire life, to such a point that I’d found myself hooked on drugs and alcohol by the age of 18 because I had so much self hatred, I became real interested in finding out the how and why of where this mental insanity came from.

    Without carrying on and writing a thesis, I’ll just say that knowledge is power.  But the point of this blog, is to remind ourselves that there is a difference between stating resolutions, and goal setting.  Stating a resolution is pointless if you have no action plan to back it up.  We all start out with great intentions, but without some kind of written game-plan, without any steps to put in place, we merely just drift through life on autopilot, until we get to the next New Years Eve, and realise that we were STILL talking about the same resolutions!

    The other powerful tool that is often overlooked, is perspective.  So often we look at things in a  “I have to” or “I need to” kind of a way.  With this approach and attitude, our perspective is all funky and tainted.  Who the hell enjoys “having to” do anything?  I sure don’t!  Tell me I “have” to do something, and watch what happens next….. <insert another lol while we’re at it!>

    The point is, I’ve always found it helpful to keep my perspective in check.  Instead of thinking “I have to”, I think about “I GET TO”…. I GET TO _______________.  So even if I was still making resolutions of losing weight (I stopped doing that once I hit 30- turning 30 was like becoming enlightened for me, haha!!), I’d change my perspective to, “I get to lose weight”.  I get to get out of bed with both feet, I get to see the gym and all the equipment I’m about to use to lose this weight, I get to breathe fresh oxygen and am not stuck living next to the Los Angeles airport runway, I get to buy healthy groceries, and am not stuck living on the street hooked on meth, I get to ……

    You see where this is going- you are a #brightgrrrl

    In conclusion, here are the takeaways:

    -instead of saying resolutions out loud, or merely thinking them in your head, write it down on paper.  until it is written on paper, it’s merely a dream floating around in the sky.  put it on paper, make it real, write out steps to break down the goal (you don’t levitate to the top of the staircase every time you go up a flight of stairs do you?), then hold yourself accountable by going back and checking your trajectory.  did you know that if a plane is off by 1 degree, it’s miss it’s destination by thousands of miles?  <or something along those lines lol!>

    -sharpen your perspective.  are you a “have to” type of girl, or are you a “GET TO” type of GRRRL?

    -check yo resolutions: are you making resolutions about your exterior looks?  if so, why?  for who?  start asking yourself questions…. and A LOT of them.  take the time to process your behaviour.  are you going to spend this entire year repeating patterns?  why?  what patterns?  OR are you going to set resolutions that are empowering, and loving?

    What’s my resolution you ask?  Well- my goals for this year are to focus on just being.  To stop judging myself and everything else in my life, so much.  I’m working on letting things just be. Not good, not bad, but just is.  Thank you for asking!  TeeHee!!!!

    LOVE YOU GRRRL!
    XOKOgrrrl