do you really need to ask how I feel about ‘Valentine’s day’ ? It’s a money making ‘hallmark holiday’ that we have been conditioned to believe is the ONE DAY we SHOULD show over the top love for someone special…. Why are we not showing that kind of love DAILY?…

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Anyhow, since this is MY blog, I am going to share a lil conundrum I am having at the moment, and I called upon my lil special Mentor today to help pep talk me out of the negative headspace I was in. Soooo.. There’s this guy (isn’t there ALWAYS?!) whom I’ve become quite attached to, the sexual tension is there, it’s great, we get along like a house on fire, I told him I liked him, he (sort of) says it back blah blah . Anyway, there seems to be all these excuses; some valid, some seem a bit ‘cop out’ style and some just hardly make sense to me… But for the past few weeks I have felt like he’s pulled away a little, so we have the conversation and he fully whips out the ‘no relationship’ ‘no strings attached’ deal, which I FULLY admit, at the start, worked for me too, but as I got to know him, my feelings grew (typical female, eh?!) .However, he doesn’t want anything serious, so, I wondered to myself ‘what could possibly be wrong with ME?!’ And I’ve been doing these epic head miles for about 2 weeks now, fully convincing myself that I am not good enough. Telling myself ‘I need to change allllll these things about myself  to make him like  me’.

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Krista, Krista, KRISTA! What?! Listen to yourself speak, woman! Why are you letting the woman you built yourself up to be, question herself? Better yet, why are you allowing a MAN to let you question yourself?! So, I realised, the more insecure I got, the more clingy I got, and the more he ultimately kept putting space between us. The way Kortney explained it to me, was that I was striking him with lightening. Wanting something so damn badly, and manifesting it so powerfully, you add a bit too much snap, crackle and pop and you end up smothering the shit out of them and keeping them away with demmmm powerful lightening strikes.. Like the most annoying person to ever walk the planet who keeps messaging you and you just stop replying because they WONT. GET. THE .POINT? Yeah, that’s how bad my lightening was getting… Cool the fuck off!

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However, one massive thing I am learning here is not just that ‘I am indeed good enough for him, I am actually OVERQUALIFIED for him’ but just to love myself and to become secure with who I am and exactly what I want. Because, to be honest I don’t know what I want? I’m 23, I’m a baby! I’m studying, working full time, training, prepping to play football, spending time with family and friends and just getting to know myself. Without saying too much about this fella, he doesn’t really fit in there. To be honest, I think I just wanted sex and someone to cuddle me afterwards? Which, by the way, isn’t going to happen.

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The big lesson here is to just learn to love me. To Love Krista fucking Bednarz. To become so secure with myself and what I want, that it won’t matter to me if the person I like isn’t interested or doesn’t want to be with me or what-have-you. I won’t need to chase. To put my energy into finding myself and not chasing after a crystal when I KNOW I deserve a diamond. I read this the other day; ‘don’t remove jewels from your crown of it gets to heavy for your man to carry. You don’t need a smaller crown, you need a man with bigger hands.’ ain’t that the truth?!

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The past 2 years I have learned to love my own company ???? it’s fabulous. I was my own Valentine this year and it was amazing! However, developing yourself as a person and truly finding out what makes you ‘tick’, what you’re really into, likes, dislikes, sexual preference, and indeed sorting out some very old skeletons in your metaphorical closet that make you so uncomfortable to even think about… That’s where the real power is. Having developed yourself into this amazing person who is unbreakable, and has a shit-tonne of bounce back-ability!

Today, I read someone’s status that said ‘I found the love of my life when I stopped trying to fix others and fixed myself instead’. Read above. Fixing yourself, and finding who you truly are is the best thing you can do. I’m a massive empath, It’s a trait of mine to always go after ‘broken’ people in the hopes of being able to CHANGE them, or help them in some way, ultimately giving all of who I am… And in the end I ‘fail’ because (let’s be honest) people can and will only change when it comes from THEM. They will only be ‘fixed’ when they decide they want to be fixed.. Interesting thought, isn’t it??

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Another thing I would love to add about being insecure about yourself and being in a relationship is… It ALWAYS shows up. It ALWAYS brings the drama. It ALWAYS causes fights. Later on, I will touch more on the subject of self love BEFORE a relationship, but for now, I will say this; THE ONLY WAY YOU WILL EVER BE ABLE TO ACCEPT SOMEONE ELSE’S LOVE IS IF YOU FORST LOVE YOURSELF. Cliche bullshit? Sounds like it… But the truth? 100 fucking percent. I bet anyone who is in an insecure relationship right now is stressing out that your partner just liked something on Instagram that offends you (ie: liking another girl’s picture)  when you should be saying ‘he likes me every day- why does one picture matter?’ Believe me, I’ve been there????

if you feel confused, my great friend Tegan sent me the link to this Amazing article; it reads about the ‘types’ of men to stay away from (ie; players and fixer-up-ers) obviously, you can see it from another point of view and read it from the ‘types of women to avoid’ of course! It’s great and made me giggle as I can see my patterns of choosing the same type of man over and over again…

Anyway, my little rant is over, I’m tired and need to meditate. #sorrynotsorry for all the little pics that depict my situation. Anyone else just save them up and display when the time feels right? HAHA! I’ll leave with just ONE more…

NB: I will note that not ONCE has the man mentioned in this post ever asked me to change anything about myself. He’s actually mentioned before that he likes who I am and how driven and determined I am- it’s just my own head telling me I’m not good enough..image

 

 

I promise this will be one of the FEW food posts I write on here! I hate food blogs as I am NOT a foodie at all! I just NEEEEED to clear up some thangsssss! 

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Since my weight loss comparison pic, I’ve had an influx of people messaging me, asking about my food and recipes (happy to share some of the recipe’s I used to use!!) all my food is carefully monitored (in phases) by coach Stephanie Parsons. To be honest, there are no ‘recipes’ per se, my food comes to me in a rigid plan (just the way I like it) and I follow it, simples. This is a day of food for me (during phase 1) Roughly 1780 calories. Steak, kangaroo, chicken and vegetables. And yes, that is BUTTER, not cheese.

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I have dabbled with so many different methods of food and I think it’s great to keep the body guessing! I’ve most recently used IIFYM (if it fits your macros) and as much as I love this method and the notion of being able to eat ‘what I want’ so long as it fits my macros (protein carbs and fats), underlying binge eating issues were rising for me. I just can’t have ice cream or chocolate in my house. Even if I’m weighing it out to precision, I still know it’s there In The freezer… Give me a stressful situation and I’ve eaten that entire bar of chocolate or tub of ice cream in 15 mins without even realising. So until I fix my food issues, I’m not going to go back to IIFYM. I prefer a cleaner alternative with what I’m eating laid out for me daily, however, everybody is different. What I’m eating may not suit the next person. My BMR is different to everyone else’s and unfortunately I’m not yet qualified to write anyone a plan or tell you which option would be best for you… But as I said before I’m happy to share older recipes that are clean and delicious if you are looking to swap to a more cleaner way of eating:)
Clean foods make my body feel lighter and, well, ‘cleaner’. Much like when you put premium petrol in your car you can feel the difference, when you eat cleaner food you feel the difference. Mentally and physically. My energy levels are UP, those 3PM crashes are over and my metabolism seems to be on fire.
Also, yes meal prepping is a bitch. It bores me, takes up space in my kitchen and I’m so OCD about shit on the bench, and there’s plenty I could be doing with my time rather than sweating my hole out cooking steak and steaming broccoli, BELIEVE ME! But then again I know I am prepared for the coming few days and it makes it worth it. Please don’t use the excuse of not having time, I’m usually up to midnight meal prepping because I generally work 9-7 5 days a week, plus school 2 nights a week and all day Saturday. If you want something that bad, no excuse will be strong enough. Stay up that hour later, wake up that hour earlier, meal prep when your baby is sleeping during the day. Skip drinks with the girls (or boys) and get it done. Be stronger than your excuses ????????

‘Find a man who treats you like a queen.’ – A statement girls everywhere out there tell their girlfriends, and their girlfriends tell them… But what happens when a guy your seeing just CAN’T? He’s just not that into you? Or maybe there’s some underlying reason…

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Meeting (or, to be more specific, catching feelings for) my guy, C, was one of the most unexpected things to happen when I swapped locations for my job. At the start, he was NOT what I would usually go for, actually the complete opposite to my ‘type’ but I felt the vibe and just went for it. However, knowing nothing about him and me being the way I was, we agreed to the ‘friends with benefits’ thing… Even though (being a woman AND and empath) the vibe and chemistry I was feelin’ was likely to turn into THE FEELS. Which, of course, they did…. Before we had even started being friends with benefits.

Now, I straight out told him I was feeling it, and I said to him ‘there’s not a doubt in my mind that you don’t feel the same way too’. This conversation sparked one of the 5000 conversations of ‘THE TALK’ we’ve had so far (it’s only been like 3 months? But that’s just me!!) where he initially told me ‘nope no way never going to happen’. But I stuck to my guns and persevered through it all and just stood back and waited, all while the regular insecurities set in AND he left his job at DJ’s where we both worked. Spark MAJOR insecurity and anxiety and abandonment issues (ha!) So fast forward a month and we’re hanging out and talking more than we did when we worked together: phone calls to one another-Sometimes 3 times a day minimum-  shit talking, advice giving, crying and stressing over silly shit (me) and catching up to just hang out.

ANYWAY, back to the queen treating. I’ve written before about knowing that a man likes you by how much effort they put in- this STILL stands! But, don’t get me wrong, everyone is different. Also, clingy men are REALLY fkn annoying! I don’t believe I need to live out of a man’s back pocket and he doesn’t need to live out of mine either.  My guy is still fresh-ish out of a long term relationship, which involved a young child… And a partner who hurt the poor muffin. Now, I know there are two sides to every story, but from my end and my understanding, the last relationship DEFINITELY impacts on any future partnerships… Especially in the early days of being single. (It also explains the slow pace of this ‘relationship’ haha!) I wasn’t expecting myself to get feelings for C at all… Let alone want him to be my boyfriend (which I’ve vowed to wait around for while he gets his own stuff together). Some may say I’m stupid. Even sometimes I think I’m stupid myself for waiting around for a guy…. A guy who sometimes distances himself. A guy who admits to insecurity. A guy who is no good with romance or affection. A guy who has 2 children. But so be it. I accept this, and how he is as a person. Again, not everybody is the same.

Everyone is different. Sometimes, when a man puts all he has into a relationship- all of his heart and soul, thinking ‘this is the one’, only to be told ‘I love you, but I am not IN LOVE with you anymore’ – the way he approaches a ‘next’ relationships is surely going to be a lot different than the way he approached the first one. He is going to be sitting there thinking ‘if I put all of my love and effort, heart and soul into a relationship the first time around and ended up putting my life into 2 suitcases and being crushed with that reality… Then fuck that!’ And I get it. I fucking get it. His whole definition of the word ‘girlfriend’ is changed. Tainted. Damaged. Ruined. So, it is only natural to back off a little when another girl is chasing you and wants to be your girlfriend. Fact: he won’t be out there treating you like a queen just yet. You, my dear, have to be the one to treat him like a king. Because as I said before, EVERYONE is different. Sometimes, our partner or potential partner speaks a different LOVE LANGUAGE to us. And that’s ok!

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By ‘love language’ I mean the way we express love and how we feel. Some say it, some express it through affection or other gestures… Like ‘treating a woman like a queen.’ Sometimes people in a relationship will text all day long and people think ‘oh he likes me because he texts me ALL day long.’ My friend L has a relationship in which her and her boyfriend text all day long. I don’t get any such thing from C. However, that’s just not in his nature.
But sometimes, when you see something in someone you have never seen in someone else, and you have basically everyone in your life begging you to give the fuck up on your guy- but you still continue to wait because you know it will be good when you get there, you take the mini wins. Like him answering the phone when he’s with the kids to talk for 5 minutes… Or him just calling to ask how your day is… Or him just holding your hand while walking around the lake when you know he hates hand holding, or him opening up little by little, or him expressing that he trusts you… Those mini wins are my favourite- and I really should keep them in mind when I start to overthink. THESE little positive notes are BIG things for someone who overthinks????

Sometimes, It’s important to try and redefine the ‘girlfriend’ label to guys who have been hurt, and who’s trust has been damaged. And to be honest, I can’t wait to one day show C just how different I am and how different I can be, to completely turn the ‘girlfriend’ label on its head and create only a positive experience for him…. Stay tuned, beautiful! X

 

While compiling information and drafting “part 2” and the ending of my last entry: ‘what happens when the guy you’re seeing just can’t’ I smashed out this little banger because I had a few epiphanies. My goal in all of this is just to KEEP IT HONEST.  ????

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Can I be honest? I was just reading over my last blog post and I feel like a complete dick. I feel like a dick because I wrote about putting so much into liking someone else… And in that I’ve realised, in being vulnerable, I’ve forgotten how secure I need to be within my own person- especially when I’ve decided to wait who knows long for something that may not even happen (but I’m very hopeful ????) – ie a relationship with C.

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They say what’s happened to you in your past affects who you are today and how you view things: Fact.
This past few weeks I’ve found my insecurity getting the best of me and a little bit of jealousy seeping through the tight walls I THOUGHT I had built, in being hurt over and over again. My secure sense of self was diminished. And I literally felt myself spiralling in these new whimsical feelings, however not allowing myself to fully be present as I was constantly thinking about the future and worrying about “what I would do if (insert crazy situation here)” and it was only upon talking to a friend who is also male to make me realise… This kind of thinking will always make a male back the fuck off.

I also strongly believe the way we react to what’s in front of us, is by extracting parts of our past and gluing it together for an ‘appropriate’ response- and by ‘parts’ I mean the GOOD and the BAD. For instance, I was in a situation where I was seeing an older guy- let’s call him M. So we started as friends with benefits, we hung out ALL the time like 3 sleepovers a week. And he was never wanting the ‘label’ like ever. Absolutely not. But the vibe was there. Everyone said M was the ‘eternal bachelor’. And One day we woke up and he said ‘nope don’t want this anymore. Let’s be friends though.’ So I got to sit back and watch him go out with other girls, his house was on the way to work, so I’d drive past on my way to work and see different girls’ from the town’s cars out the front. A part of me believes that if I had of gotten the “label” that it wouldn’t have happened. So my reaction to C not wanting the label right now…. Makes me think back to this time with M. It makes my skin crawl… Even the THOUGHT of C sleeping with anyone else just like the times I saw girl’s cars outside of M’s house. Even though c has told me he’s not seeing other people, my reaction to the ‘not having a label’ thing is the same as when I was being shut out by M. I feel like sometimes I’m on edge and I don’t know how to trust- because really, all we have is a benchmark of all the shitty relationshippy encounters we’ve had before OR we see the outside of what our friends have relationship wise. That’s ALL.

It’s hard to learn to trust someone new. It’s even harder to trust someone of the opposite sex when you’re so used to being shit on over and over again (great analogy ha!). I’ve now realised trust goes way beyond keeping secrets. Trust is HARD. And it’s a process.

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Now, I’ve never been someone to take things slow- I’m all about instant satisfaction and going like a bull at a gate. But this time, I’m learning patience- I really have no choice. It actually feels like I’m walking on a tightrope sometimes.
I choose to wait with patience and with trust as I learn it day by day and take things as they come. I really just need to chill the fuck out and just realise that I know enough about C to know that if he didn’t want to talk to/ see me he would NOT. As I said in my last blog, I personally feel that he does what he can with what he’s got within his boundaries. And the truth of the matter is: I like him more than he likes me, simply because he can’t give me the ‘label’ like I want right now…

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Sometimes it breaks me down watching my friends in relationships.

Honestly, I feel terrible within myself for putting pressure on C and projecting expectations that he should deliver this or that. In realising my pressure-putting or expectation-holding I’ve realised no amount of times I bring it up is going to raise his interest in me. I feel like with me having expectations and being more invested than he is at this point, puts a certain pressure on HIM and I’m afraid he might sometimes feel that when I’m upset it’s his fault. I don’t want him to hurt at all. That’s not respectful or loving and I don’t know what I was thinking. As I write this, tears are falling from my eyes- not because I want to give up or feel like I’m not getting what I want from C, but because at this moment I’m just a little bit emotionally exhausted- and that’s OK AND normal (especially since it was the full moon in Scorpio 2 days ago).

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Putting expectations and pressure on a man is controlling and clingy and I don’t want to be that girl. Perhaps there is a fine line between wanting something so much, and pushing it a bit too far. Something I’m learning and cringing at thinking of how I’ve acted sometimes! But then again, I’ve never been in a relationship- Ive never known the difference.

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But I end this intermission-style blog entry, the same Way I ended the last one; by signing off and saying that I’ll keep waiting around and keep tracking the mini wins for my own brain bank ????. Oh, and just to learn to chill the fuck out and learn to trust a little more. Xo (and no your eyes aren’t fucked, it’s just a photo I blurred out, so I don’t give TOO much away ????)

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Never allow the opposite sex (or your ‘love interest’ whether you be straight, gay or bi-sexual) determine your self worth. Please, just don’t. 

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First of all, anyone making shitty, cop out excuses is never worth your:  time, energy or tears (especially when, as a woman, I pay $58 for a mascara.) stop giving away your power, doll!

Know YOUR personal worth and stand up for what you believe in. Have high standards and never settle for anything less… Even if your ‘potential’ is a totally babe but they are presenting red flags, yet you believe “but he/she looks exactly how I want my partner to look!!” DO NOT fall into that trap.

You are literally worth so much more than to settle for someone’s looks; it is very important to realise that beauty will fade with time, but nothing will ever crush a beautiful heart, mind and soul… And I’m sorry, but integrity shits all over superficial shit and sweet nothings. PLEASE remember that.

 

????????ANY person in life who makes you feel intentionally jealous is not worth having. ????????ANY love interest you may have (who admits it’s ‘mutual’) should never be making you ask questions about where you actually stand. Just know that if someone truly has feelings for you, they will make like Beyoncé and ‘put a ring on it’ (OK, Metaphorically because it’s weird if they’re proposing in the early dayzzz. That’s a red flag, stay away from that!) However, they will make it VERY known to you that they do like you. They’ll make that time and effort in the early stages. They put in the work. Driving or getting transport out to you is not an issue at all. For instance, this guy I like…. He will happily drive 45 mins out of his way for a ‘fuck buddy’ he previously had (or probably still has, I do NOT want to know.) but won’t bother with a (probably equal amount of time) trip to come see me just to hang out, eat food, chat, and the like. ???????? THAT’S a red flag. And it says more about him than he knows. Actions speak louder than words… This is alllllll the truth and whoever once told me actions spoke louder than words, and I dismissed it- I am so sorry! You were right!

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I just want to make it known to you, Incase nobody has reassured you… You are an absolute King/queen and you deserve that attention and affection that you believe you do. None of that shit should be half assed. AND IF IT IS????  SWERVE! Dump that and go on a quest to find someone who actually appreciates YOU and all that you do and are (and has better grammar and punctuation skills, HA!)! Or better yet, just do you. Love yourself and let that self love radiate to the world and show others how you SHOULD be treated. Work on a project you love. Have a facial. Start to study something you really want to study. Go for a walk, have coffee with a  friend, go on a road trip. Learn to love who you are. Truly, madly, deeply.

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Honestly though, in the end, if you don’t believe in yourself and love yourself..who will?